Chicago Divorce Attorney Blog

Finger-Pointing

This obstacle causes us to focus on the cause of the divorce when our focus should be on how to resolve the divorce.

The longer we spend dwelling on the reason for the divorce is the more time and money we will spend getting divorced.

Angry people see themselves as victims. This makes us want to blame and blame does not settle divorce cases; instead, it starts wars. Blame causes anger and anger causes blame. They feed off one another at our expense.

Our spouse does not want to think of us as the victim, they see themselves as the victim. They want sympathy from us, not the other way around. The way they see it, we should be apologizing to them and acknowledging our guilt for victimizing them. To blame them is like throwing gasoline on a fire.

Finger-pointing and blame do not settle divorce cases.

Feelings Count More than Money

If a divorce case goes to trial because the parties cannot resolve their financial differences, it usually has more to do with feelings that it does with finances.

As part of what I discussed in the "We Don't Know How to Get Through to Our Spouse" post, this is another of our classic misunderstandings. Most divorce wars are not about money, they only sound like they are about money. They are about unresolved feelings, which do not appear on a ledger. We have to soothe the feelings before we can settle the divorce.

However, we cannot soothe the feelings until we can talk about them constructively and this takes more time than an early settlement allows. We are rarely content with a settlement offer if we still have something to say and society has not taught us how to state our objections without stirring up trouble.

We must allow our spouse to vent without our becoming aggravated, and we must learn how to express our feelings sensibly and safely.

Feelings are a major part of divorce negotiations. Attempting to negotiate a divorce settlement without addressing feelings is like trying to land an aircraft without fuel. While this is doable, it does make the landing much harder.

We Don't Know How to Get Through to Our Spouse

This obstacle is a classic. It involves something that logic should prevent us from attempting, yet we all try to do it anyway (your blog host included). We invariably try to settle our divorce case by relying upon the same communication skills that probably caused the divorce to begin with.

In many cases, our inability to communicate effectively with our partner may very well be the primary reason for the marital breakup. Even when poor communication isn't the biggest reason, it always plays some role in bringing our marriage to an end.

Trying to convince our partner to agree to an early and a friendly divorce settlement requires that we be on the same page with them during our settlement discussions. This requires an extraordinary degree of cooperation and communicative ability.

If we were unable to achieve and maintain this high level of communication during the marriage when things were good, what chance do we have of doing it during a divorce when things are bad?

Thus, it is foolish on our part to rely upon something to keep us out of trouble when its failure to work is most likely the reason that we are in trouble to begin with.

The Parties Make Decisions Differently

In addition to what I discussed in the "One of the Parties Does Not Want a Divorce" post, another problem arises if the parties have different styles of decision making. Big decisions take time and the decision to divorce is not an exception. The spouse that wants the divorce has already made his or her decision, but the other spouse usually requires additional time in order to process things and think them through carefully.

Even if the non-moving spouse is trying as hard as they can to adjust to the fact that a divorce is imminent, he or she may have a differing style of decision making than does the moving party.

Some of us can comfortably make large purchases more quickly than others can, and some of us are more methodic in our thinking and need more time to contemplate making the same decision.

This mostly overlooked barrier rears its head when human nature causes the moving party to lose patience with the non-moving party's failure to proceed at a speed that is acceptable to the moving party.

The moving party must always honor the way that the other party processes his or her choices. The moving party must also be patient and allow the non-moving partner's timetable to control the situation. To do otherwise, is to invite trouble that can easily lead to a painful, lengthy, costly divorce.

One of the Parties Does Not Want a Divorce

Divorcing parties rarely reach the decision to divorce at the same time. Typically, one of the partners is 18 to 24 months ahead of the other in realizing that a divorce is likely to occur.

The announcement of a divorce often devastates the spouse that is not ready to get divorced. The disinterested party typically goes into an emotional state that prevents them from being able to begin settlement negotiations as early as the other may wish.

This hurts the moving party's hope for an early resolution. It further endangers the parties' chances of achieving a friendly divorce. The partner seeking the divorce is rarely capable of exercising the patience that is needed to keep things peaceful while waiting for the other spouse comes around.

This agitates the reluctant spouse and opens the door to further ill feelings between the parties.The moving party must be aware and respectful of their partner's need to take more time than the moving party might wish.

Making the decision to divorce or coming to grips with our spouse's decision to divorce is always difficult, to say the very least. However, once we finally accept that our marriage is indeed heading for divorce, we find ourselves facing the next difficulty.

Since most of us do not like agony or throwing our money away, the next difficulty has to do with minimizing the pain and cost of the divorce itself.

We want to get the settlement that we deserve and we don't want to have to waste time, energy, and money getting it. This means we must achieve a friendly out-of-court settlement as quickly and as easily as possible.

To do this we must be able to persuade our soon-to-be ex to join us in working toward a cooperative resolution - one that is to our liking.

Before we can reasonably expect to do this, we must be aware of nine invisible obstacles that stand in our way. How we handle these obstacles often spells the difference between a peaceful divorce and a train wreck.

Some of the obstacles are everyday, common sense items that we are already somewhat familiar with. However, very few of us truly understand how destructive they can be.
Without being forewarned, we normally tend to brush them off and minimize their impact.
The nine follow up posts will identify these invisible barriers.