Chicago Divorce Attorney Blog

What is Cooperative Divorce Law?

Cooperative divorce does not have an exact definition. Historically, it is a term that we would apply to situations where divorcing parties settled their differences amicably and without a court fight.

Today, it seems to stand for two different settlement-oriented, non-court approaches to divorce. Some people use the term loosely to describe any no-fight divorce that the parties obtain by using either of the two more popular dispute resolution alternatives: mediation and collaborative law.

The other use of the term stands for a distinctively different and merging dispute resolution model -cooperative divorce law - which is well on its way toward joining ranks with mediation and collaborative law as the third, non-court way to divorce.

The new and mostly unannounced cooperative divorce law movement has indeed begun and is showing steady growth throughout the United States. Mediation and collaborative law are wonderful alternatives to our adversarial system of divorce. They legitimately save thousands of people incalculable amounts of pain and money, but they are not for everyone. It is believed that cooperative divorce law can and will fill this gap.

The rapid growth of mediation and collaborative law establishes that there is great public demand for less confrontational and less costly ways to divorce. Cooperative divorce law holds part of the answer and it may just show itself to be the future of divorce.

Cooperative divorce law has officially arrived in Chicagoland.

Cooperative divorce law is a process that saves divorcing parties time, energy, and money. It follows mediation and collaborative law as our third non-court, settlement approach to divorce.

Each party commits to the cooperative approach and signs an agreement [link to cooperative law participation agreement] in which they agree to act in ways that will enhance their chances of achieving an out of court settlement.

The agreement is non-binding, but it provides the parties with a defined and structured process to help them get to where they want to go. The agreement is a roadmap of sorts.

Each party retains his or her own attorney and all four agree to meet regularly to work toward reaching a sensible settlement of the parties' differences. The focus is on saving the soon-to-be ex spouses from the unnecessary pain and expense they would likely encounter if they were to go straight to court.

There is no downside to cooperative divorce law. It creates an attitude of common sense civility and routes the parties' thinking toward a constructive solution, instead of a destructive one.

We Underestimate the Fury We Will Face

Many divorces start out friendly and then turn into train wrecks. One reason for this is because we are not properly prepared to handle the potentially explosive nature of divorce settlement discussions with our soon-to-be ex.

A barrage of fury awaits us at the bargaining table where we are prone to retaliate by adding our own fury to the mix. When our spouse says something confrontational, we become angry and retaliatory. When we are insulted, we insult back. In doing so, we aggravate our partner and aggravated partners do not want to settle, they want to fight.

No one has ever won an argument by alienating their opponent.

We fire back because we seem to think that firing back is free. It isn't. It complicates the divorce process and causes unnecessary litigation. We are not giving our spouse a pass when we do not return their attack, we are giving our wallets a pass.

Boxers do not get upset when they get punched and football players do not get upset when they get tackled. They expect to be punched and tackled and we should expect to be confronted and insulted. For us to think otherwise is naïve.

The best way to prepare for being insulted or verbally attacked is to anticipate its happening. When you know it is coming, there is no shock and there is no justifiable reason to react instinctively (and at your own expense). Simply expect an attack and you will automatically be in a position to brush it off.

Accept in advance that your spouse will be volatile or difficult; and, if you hope to prevent your divorce from becoming unnecessarily painful, lengthy, or costly, never, ever fight back no matter how tempted you may be to do so.

We Think We Have More Legal Rights than We Do

Most of us enter the divorce arena with preconceived notions of the law has in store for us. Unfortunately, much of what society has conditioned us to believe in this regard is often inaccurate.

Misinformation about divorce law and the legal system is perpetually circulating among the public. This is primarily due to decades of legend and hand-me-down stories and myth.

Our friends and family mean well, but their knowledge is generally incomplete or erroneous because it can only be as accurate as the bits and pieces of information that they have gathered from other lay people. We all know how stories become distorted as they spread throughout a community.

Consequently, many spouses enter the divorce system believing that they have more legal rights than they really do. When they learn that the law will not give them the settlement that they were expecting, they become frustrated, angry, and difficult to deal with.

This leads to unnecessary conflict and delay because most divorces will ultimately settle in a way that is consistent with the way the law is, as opposed to what one or both of the parties wishes the law to be.

It is asking a lot to expect an early settlement when one of the parties entertains unrealistic, though perhaps understandable, expectations about his or her entitlement.

It takes time, patience, and willingness for the misinformed party to become able to adjust their thinking so that they can consider other settlement alternatives.