Chicago Divorce Attorney Blog

It is very hard for divorcing partners to persuade each other - on their own - to agree to a settlement. Even when both parties seek to be reasonable, desire a smooth negotiation process and wish for a less painful, less expensive divorce, it is not likely to happen that way.

In order to settle quickly and out of court, we must be able to persuade our spouse to accept a settlement agreement. But our spouse will only say yes if it benefits him or her to do so. We will not be able to explain the benefits because our spouse will not listen to reason.

They will not listen to reason because society never taught us how to give them a reason to listen.

How does this happen? It is because we have been going about divorce all wrong. We thought we could get through to our spouse by explaining the reasonableness of our position. But this does not work; a century of divorce wars proves it. The fact of the matter is that the only way to get through to our spouse is by listening to the reasonableness of their position.

You listen until their stance begins to soften and their thinking becomes malleable. Try not to argue with them; just listen until they discover that compromise doesn't mean losing. Listen until their mind opens and allows them to consider other solutions that they may also find acceptable.

How Do I Keep My Divorce Friendly? Part III

In Part II of this post (January 15, 2010), we suggested acting nicely toward your soon-to-be ex as a means of helping you reduce the length, pain, and expense of your divorce.

This doesn't work in every case, but it never hurts to give it a try. In fact, there is no downside to the "nice" approach. When you are trying to persuade your spouse to agree to an out of court settlement, you are really attempting to get him or her to give you something that they would prefer not to give to you.

This is the essence of sales, and we are merely suggesting that you do what salespersons have been doing for centuries: Be nice to the customer and entice them to see things your way.

This blog focuses on the nice approach to divorce settlement conversations between spouses. It will contain over 200 tips regarding the specific things that you can say or do to maintain a cooperative, non-confrontational demeanor when you are discussing settlement terms with your partner.

We do not suggest that you be nice because we want you to be devoted to your spouse's interests. We want you to be nice so you can accomplish your best interests.

Business is business and the nicer you are is the better businessperson you are. Since over 90% of all divorces reach a settlement before the trial ever starts, it is in your best interests to start working on a settlement immediately.

The nice approach allows you to do this, and our traditional, adversarial approach does the opposite - it leads to added delays, added expense, and added suffering to the family unit.

What Happens when a Cooperative Divorce Law Case Goes to Court?

No matter which approach you use in your divorce, it is not always possible to persuade your soon-to-be ex to agree a divorce settlement that is acceptable to you.

If this occurs in the cooperative divorce law model, the attorneys are permitted to accompany their clients into the court system and litigate on their behalf.
(This is prohibited in collaborative divorce where, if settlement attempts fail, the parties must replace the collaborative lawyers and hire new lawyers to take their case to court.)

Typically, when a cooperative divorce moves into the court system, the parties are still likely to experience a less costly and less stressful divorce than they would have experienced had they started their divorce by going directly into litigation as most people do.

This is because their prior agreement to cooperate tends to carry over into the court system. It tones down the normal anger and friction of divorce. The parties leave the cooperative process with less resentment, less distrust, and with a much better understanding of divorce and of how it works.

Being cooperative at the outset gives them the opportunity to vent their feelings. and this enhances their chances of reaching a compromise. Rather than seeing their divorce as a winner take all proposition, they now comprehend the mutually beneficial aspects of meeting one another half way.

They appreciate the wisdom of attacking their problem together, rather than spending their energy, time, and money attacking one another.

How Do I Keep My Divorce Friendly? Part II

In order to be able to persuade your soon-to-be ex spouse to agree to a mutually acceptable out of court settlement, you must be able to keep their mind open and willing to consider a compromise, so that a settlement may occur.

There are two parts to doing this. The first part is simple to understand, and the second part requires motivation. All you need to know about the first is that you must refrain from aggravating your spouse. It all starts there. If you aggravate him or her, you lose. If you don't aggravate them, you have your foot in the door and you stand a chance.

Non-aggravated spouses in divorce are typically less defensive, less untrusting, less suspicious, less vengeful, less stubborn, and are generally less difficult to deal with. Unhampered spouses have room in their minds for compromise and this is the first thing you must accomplish.

The second part - the part that requires motivation - requires that you do what is necessary to keep your partner's mind clear, unhampered, and open to compromise.

We accomplish this by doing the last thing in the world that we want to do, despite it being the only thing in the world that actually works, and this is to be nice to them. Yes, I said "Nice."

Be sure to look at Part III.

Opening the Door to Compromise and Settlement

It is one thing to say you want your divorce to be sensible and friendly, but it is an altogether different thing to know precisely what you have to do to get a sensible and friendly divorce.

"The Secret to a Friendly Divorce" category of this blog shows you exactly what it takes. It reveals the little known, but extremely effective, things that you must say and do (and not say and do!) to entice your soon-to-be ex to join you in creating and maintaining a sensible and friendly negotiation climate throughout your divorce.

Sensible and friendly divorces are quicker, less costly, and much easier on the family. They involve less pain, less frustration, less anger, less hurt, less fury, less despair, and less anxiety and confusion.

When the divorcing couple's minds are relatively un- hampered by the negative influences that are prevalent in divorce, the door to settlement opens and reaching an out of court settlement becomes possible.

How do we open the door and keep it open? Explaining this part is easy, but doing what we need to do requires motivation.

These answers and more follow immediately in the two next blog posts.