Chicago Divorce Attorney Blog

Eighth in a series of one-on-one spousal divorce settlement tips.

Do not be confrontational. You goal is to make a settlement, not an enemy. Forget saying things like, "That's not what happened and you know it" or "Maybe you should have considered these things before you took up with that tramp," or "I'd rather go to jail than pay you a dime."

No snotty remarks. Do not respond to something your spouse says with a remark like "Whatever" or "Do what you want." Nobody wants to hear a flippant retort when they are struggling to make a point.

Avoid angry threats. Don't say, "I'll quit my job, and then what'll you have?" or "I'm going for full custody" or "that's it, I'm through talking to you. I'm hiring a Doberman for a lawyer and you're going to regret ever being born."

Don't expect sympathy from your spouse. Your spouse definitely expects to get sympathy from you, not the other way around.

Don't offer interpretations of your spouse's behavior. Forget statements like, "you weren't calling to talk to the kids. You were just checking to see if I was at home."

Don't judge or impose your values upon your spouse. Avoid statements like, "a decent person wouldn't do what you did" or "maybe the children should know that their father/mother has no morals."

Seventh in a series of divorce insider negotiation tips for spouses.

Try not to say yes to a first offer, even if you think it's a good deal. Doing so leaves your spouse with thoughts that they offered too much.

You want your partner to feel good about the negotiations and you don't want them kicking themselves later. Your ex will always be part of your life, and you don't want him or her harboring angry feelings about selling themselves short.

However, try to exercise caution by not saying no too quickly. You must allow sufficient time to pass before you respond, and this is a minimum of three seconds.

If you want your spouse to give serious thought to what you want, you have to give the impression that you are giving serious thought to what they want.

Don't ever ask your partner for a specific concession, because that sounds too confrontational. Instead, say something like, "If I have to give a little in order for you to give a little, I will do so. I hope you will reciprocate so we can bring this thing to an end. We don't really want to be arguing about this same issue a year from now, do we?"

Both mediation and collaborative divorce law save you time, energy, and money as compared to taking your case to court and having a judge tell you who will get or give what to whom

Many believe that these non-court alternatives cost about 25% of what a contested divorce costs, and they finish three to four times quicker.

As a rule, collaborative divorce costs more than divorce mediation, but it still costs significantly less than going to court. However, this is not to say that divorce mediation is inexpensive.

There are two disadvantages associated with mediation that are not present in collaborative law.

In mediation, the parties still have legal costs. Someone has to process the mediated agreement through the court system. In addition, mediation often has the effect of making some spouses feel alone, untrusting, or "over their heads." Many of us need on-the-spot support when making life changing decisions.

In collaborative law, each party has an attorney sitting next to them in real time and throughout the entire process.

The second structured "friendly" approach to divorce is collaborative law.

Unlike mediation, where the divorcing parties use a neutral and impartial person to guide them during their settlement discussions, collaborative law uses the parties' two attorneys to do the same job.

Collaborative lawyers do not perform traditional legal work for their clients. They limit the scope of their representation to that of negotiation guides for their respective clients.

The lawyers' jobs are to assist the parties in reaching a non-court settlement and they sign an agreement with the divorcing couple that prohibits them from ever going to court on behalf of their clients (except for the entry of routine papers that both parties agree to in riting, and in advance).

If either spouse refuses to settle out of court, the services of both lawyers are terminated immediately and the parties must go into the court system with new representation.

Collaborative lawyers are not neutral and impartial. Their role is to give legal advice and direction to their individual client only. The lawyers are present during the parties' negotiations to guide their clients and to help the parties from derailing their hopes for a sensible settlement.

Essentially, collaborative divorce law practitioners do the same job as mediators, but also furnish on-the-spot legal services to their client at the same time.

If a divorcing couple wishes to avoid a lengthy and costly legal ordeal, there are now three out-of-court resolution alternatives available to them.

The first structured "friendly" divorce settlement process to come into being is mediation. The key player in this settlement model is the mediator - a neutral, impartial person whose role it is to help the couple to communicate with one another in a non-argumentative and sensible manner.

Divorce settlement negotiations usually involve many emotional or other negative factors that make it difficult for the parties to remain level-headed. Mediators are trained to manage and defuse these negative influences so that the parties can keep their negotiations headed in the right direction.

Mediators have no power to make decisions; their job is to help the parties create a settlement that both find acceptable. The mediator makes sure that each party presents his or her settlement wishes in the best possible light. To do this, they use various persuasion techniques, most of which are among the various insights and tips mentioned in the Eye Opening Insider Negotiation Tips catogory of this blog.

The success of divorce mediation is indisputable. However, it is no longer the only non-court settlement model that is available to parties in conflict. It is now joined by two other effective, time and money saving, non-court negotiation processes: Cooperative Divorce Law and Collaborative Law.

Sixth in a series.

Most people do not like to negotiate or are not comfortable when called upon to do so.
This is a natural feeling and is nothing to be ashamed of. However, this reluctance often leads us to go right to our bottom line at the start of the negotiations and this can be costly.

If you begin the negotiations by stating your rock-bottom price, or if you start in the middle and refuse to budge, you will not leave yourself any room for compromise and this invariably leads to a deadlock. Deadlocks inevitably lead to trouble and to costly courtroom battles.

Create negotiating room by starting somewhere between the middle and your dream result. Then move in small increments and be sure they always get smaller.

When your spouse makes a proposal, flinch slightly or react with mild surprise. They are watching for your reaction and a flinch is a non-offensive way of indicating you cannot (or will not) is a polite way of indicating your disapproval.

People believe what they see more than what they hear, so a flinch is your best means of getting your spouse to consider rethinking their position.

It is not unreasonable to expect a softening or a concession after a credible flinch.

This is the fifth in a series of posts that reveals how judges, lawyers, mediators, and other divorce insiders persuade their own spouses to agree to cooperative, out of court settlements.

Validate your spouse's point of view. It doesn't cost you anything to "allow" your soon-to-be ex to have a settlement position that differs from yours. Show that you are receptive to hearing it and that you will try to understand where he or she is coming from.

Your spouse is going to have a differing view anyway, so don't fight it.This does not mean that you have to agree with your partner's position; it merely requires you to accept their right to have such a position. You must also let them know that you respect their right to see things as they do.

Do not challenge their viewpoint because you will never be able to change their mind, just as they will never be able to change yours.

Our divorce courts are loaded with angry spouses that have tried unsuccessfully to convince their partners that they are right and their partner is wrong. This is a colossal waste of energy and money.

The secret to persuading your spouse to agree to an out of court settlement is not to challenge their position, but to figure out a way of working around it.

This is the fourth in a series of posts that reveals how judges, lawyers, mediators, and other divorce insiders persuade their own spouses to agree to cooperative, out of court settlements.

Be sure to give your spouse an uninterrupted opportunity to explain their settlement position. When they first begin to tell you where they are coming from, be sure to let them speak for at least 45 seconds straight. This gives them a sense that you are interested in hearing their side.

Acknowledge their point of view and try to agree with them whenever you can. However, if the situation fits, preface any such statement of agreement with some reasonable explanation of why your conclusion may differ from theirs. For example, "I can see why you are asking such a stiff price. This makes sense based on what you have been told, but I think my experience brings me to a different conclusion..."

Accept that your spouse see will things differently. Your spouse has had different life experiences than you and will likely perceive the facts supporting his or her responsibilities or entitlement differently from the way you perceive them.

Specifically, they will invariably interpret the facts in a way that is favorable to them and unfavorable to you. This is a perfectly normal part of human interaction and we should not be surprised when it happens.

This is the third post in a series of posts that reveal how judges, lawyers, mediators, and other divorce insiders settle their own divorces quickly and without having to fight it out in court.

Don't talk too much.

Bite your tongue and permit your spouse to speak more than you do. No one has ever prevailed in one-on-one spousal settlement discussions by speaking. You prevail by listening.

Your spouse doesn't care what you think and explaining your side will only aggravate them. Stating your position (without the benefit of knowing how professional negotiators do it) is counterproductive and is the leading cause of divorce wars. You cannot successfully negotiate with anyone until you know what they're thinking, and you cannot know what they're thinking until you listen to them.

You must convince your spouse that you heard every word they said. The best way to do this is to let them do most of the talking.

Impatient people make bad deals.

Fight the temptation to become impatient when your divorce starts to take longer than you think it should. The legal system runs on its own schedule, so expect "unnecessary" delays, and don't let them wear you down. Impatience is likely to cause you to settle for less.

This is the second post in a series of posts that reveal how judges, lawyers, mediators, and other divorce insiders settle their own divorces quickly and without having to fight it out in court.

Begin your spousal settlement discussions softly and slowly.

You must do everything you can to create a cooperative climate at the very beginning of your settlement conversations with your spouse. You have little chance of success if these discussions start out in an atmosphere that is not conducive to a peaceful resolution.

It is important that you speak in a calm and soothing tone of voice.

This transmits compassion and sincerity and makes it possible for you to overcome your spouse's resistance. Speaking in a loud voice will not help you achieve a divorce settlement; it will only irritate your soon-to-be ex and provoke them to get loud in return.

It is up to you to set the tone.

Someone has to be nice first, or a divorce war is certain. You cannot rely on your soon-to-be ex to take the initiative; so, this task is up to you. If you don't take this seriously, a calm, quick, and inexpensive settlement is not going to happen, and you will find yourself sitting in a courtroom hearing a judge say, "Call your first witness."

This is the first in a series of many professional negotiation tips that provide revealing insider insights on what divorcing parties can now do to persuade one another to agree to an out of court settlement.

Don't Ever Tell Your Spouse that You Are Being Fair.

"Fairness" is a standard that exists only in the mind of the speaker. Your partner will typically deem something else as "fair", and will resent your attempt to tell them how or what to think. Depicting your position as "fair" is the same thing as telling them that they aren't as wise as you are. Using this term cannot accomplish anything good; it only stirs up unwanted trouble at a critical time.

This is divorce and, if you hope to avoid a costly court battle, you cannot afford to aggravate your spouse unnecessarily. Whoever is being fair or unfair will play out (or not) naturally during your negotiations. It does not help for either of you to challenge the nametag that the other puts on his or her settlement position.

There are more than enough items to argue about in divorce, and the mere use of the word "fair" should not be one of them.

Amid the heat of a divorce, someone has to take the first step toward acting nicely, or a calm and quick settlement is not going to happen.

Acting nicely within the "friendly" approach of cooperative divorce requires three things: Avoid aggravating your spouse. Listen to what your spouse says and convince them you heard every word they said. Know what to say and when to say it; then say it nicely.

If you want to know to do these things, or if you are doing them correctly,imagine all of your friends and family, all of your spouse's friends and family, your children, your neighbors, your employer and co-workers, your customers, patients, clients, etc., being able to watch and listen to your settlement conversations. If you behave the way you would want the world to see you behave, you are doing it correctly. It is this simple.

It may be necessary to change your behavior from the way you were accustomed to acting during your marriage. While some changes in the past may have cost you money or inconvenience, being nice to your spouse is likely to save you money and inconvenience. It pays dividends now and in your future.

Taking the friendly or nice approach is a simple way of doing what you can to prevent a bad marriage from being followed by a bad divorce.

Displaying a friendly, diplomatic, cooperative, pleasant, mature approach to your spouse during divorce negotiations (whether during your personal conversations or while under the guidance of a cooperative divorce lawyer) has many advantages:

There is little, if any harm, to your children or to the family unit. Dealing with your ex does not upset you or ruin your day. You are likely to feel free to ask your ex for a favor, and you are willing to do one for your ex. You have no need to obsess about the divorce and life in general starts to look good again.

You become able "let go" and think about other things. Your sense of humor returns, and your sleeping habits and job performance return to normal. Your conversations with friends and family no longer focus on the divorce.

In business, being nasty to a customer is unprofitable. Similarly, in dissolution of marriage matters, your soon-to-be ex is your customer, the one you must sell a settlement to. This is where it pays you to do what salespersons do and treat your partner in a friendly and respectful manner.

Judging by the "popularity" of our divorce legal system, it seems the public would prefer to have a quicker, simpler, less painful, and less costly way to divorce.

Most divorcing spouses say they want to keep their ordeals from getting nasty, but few know exactly what they have to say and do to prevent "nasty" from happening.

This blog category contains several professional negotiation tips and insights that enable divorcing parties to minimize their spouse's hostility or reluctance and thereby help them to achieve a sensible, out of court settlement.

Some of the tips are common sense, some are little-known, and some are downright surprising. They are all effective and have no downside.

Most of the suggestions in the posts that follow are what professional negotiators, divorce lawyers, judges, and mediators use in their own divorces.

When trying to convince your spouse to agree to an out of court divorce settlement, you are typically asking them to give you something they do not wish to give you. This is why divorces usually turn nasty.

These tips and insights show you how to get around their resistance. They enable your soon-to-be ex to understand why it is in their best interests to consider your wishes and to do what they can to accommodate you.

"Secret" is defined on my online dictionary as a reason or explanation for something not generally apparent, or as a method or formula known only to the initiated or to a few.

Keeping the above definition in mind, the unbelievably simple secret to a friendly divorce is this:
Be nice to your spouse during your divorce settlement conversations;
Be nice even when your spouse doesn't deserve it;
Be nice no matter what;
Be nice even if it kills you; and,
Never, ever fight back.

Why should we be nice? There is one big reason: It enables us to avoid a long, bad, ugly, divisive, and expensive divorce. We do it to save our dignity, mental stability, and physical health, and for the sake of the children. Being nice does not mean being weak; it means being smart.

In most aspects of life we know that fighting gets us into trouble. It got us into trouble in school; it got us in trouble as adults. Why should we believe it is any different in a divorce?

If fighting it out in court for the past century has turned divorce into a costly and energy consuming horror, then it makes sense to try something different. Taking a friendly, diplomatic, sensitive, pleasant, mature approach toward your spouse during the divorce negotiations is the other alternative. It is all we have left, and it works.

It is surprisingly difficult to effectively discuss a divorce settlement with our spouse. One reason for this is that we come off with a defensive attitude at the very start of these conversations. We unwittingly make ourselves appear unreceptive.

Our adversarial culture plants a distrusting bias in our mind. It tells us that divorcing couples are out for all they can get and are not above getting cute when it comes to money. We recall hearing of relatives or friends who got the short end of the stick in a divorce or who managed to get a better deal past the other party.

These stories of past divorces put us on heightened alert and cause us to arrive at the bargaining table with an in-your-face attitude of negativity and distrust. This puts our spouse on the defensive right from the start, and when they are in a defensive mode, they are anything but receptive. Their defensiveness fuels ours and things can easily spiral out of control.

Defensive people are edgy, difficult to please, and are not at all inclined to entertain someone else's settlement wishes. As a result, without outside help, most of our who-should-get-what-in-the-divorce conversations are doomed from the start.

Cooperative divorce, collaborative divorce, and mediation take the edge off and allow us to communicate safely.

When divorce cases end up in court, they are by definition adversarial situations. Divorce courts are part of the civil justice system. Since this system is adversarial, so are the divorce courts.

The thesaurus associates these words with adversarial: hostile, antagonistic, conflicting, opposing, nail-biting, nerve-racking, scary, intimidating, menacing, frightening, chilling, macabre, terrifying, bloodcurdling.

Because the U.S. Constitution prohibits taking someone's property without due process of law, a divorce case, like other civil court matters, essentially requires an adversarial approach. The legal system's traditional rigid culture and formality add all sorts of apprehension and anxiety to an already combustible mix. This happens even when the divorce papers do not place blame on either party.

The role of the court is to conduct a trial to determine which partner will get their way. This requires both sides to gear up for trial, routinely spending months and lots of money preparing for something that probably won't happen.

With a trial on the horizon, an excruciating experience becomes more excruciating. One side will win and one side will lose. The brutal truth about a divorce case that goes to the adversarial arena of a trial court is that no one wins. Everyone loses.

Cooperate, collaborate, or mediate - do not litigate.

Most of us think we have the ability to persuade our spouse to agree to an out of court settlement, but decades after decades of divorce wars indicates that we do not.

Divorce negotiations differ from the day-to-day interaction of married couples, which usually includes a reasonable expectation that we can influence each other's thinking. We mistakenly rely on the same communications skills that we used during the marriage, but our inability to "get through to our spouse" effectively is typically the major reason for the divorce in the first place.

We all tend to naively assume that our logic or our plight will influence our spouse into accepting our thinking, but this just doesn't happen easily, despite our optimism.

Divorce puts us at our worst at a time in our life when we must be at our best, and no one ever told us about the "be at our best" part. This handicaps us immensely. Our common sense, verbal skills, and general savvy do not prepare us for these conversations.

This blog aims to provide the necessary instructions to make negotiating a divorce settlement with our spouse a do-it-yourself project..