It is surprisingly difficult to effectively discuss a divorce settlement with our spouse. One reason for this is that we come off with a defensive attitude at the very start of these conversations. We unwittingly make ourselves appear unreceptive.
Our adversarial culture plants a distrusting bias in our mind. It tells us that divorcing couples are out for all they can get and are not above getting cute when it comes to money. We recall hearing of relatives or friends who got the short end of the stick in a divorce or who managed to get a better deal past the other party.
These stories of past divorces put us on heightened alert and cause us to arrive at the bargaining table with an in-your-face attitude of negativity and distrust. This puts our spouse on the defensive right from the start, and when they are in a defensive mode, they are anything but receptive. Their defensiveness fuels ours and things can easily spiral out of control.
Defensive people are edgy, difficult to please, and are not at all inclined to entertain someone else's settlement wishes. As a result, without outside help, most of our who-should-get-what-in-the-divorce conversations are doomed from the start.
Cooperative divorce, collaborative divorce, and mediation take the edge off and allow us to communicate safely.
