Chicago Divorce Attorney Blog

Most friendly divorces are more than luck and usually require some restraint and diplomacy.

Anticipate that the two of you will not see eye-to-eye on many issues and prepare yourself to be patient. Settlements rarely happen on the first try.

When the settlement conversations begin, explain to your spouse that you will make every attempt to hear them out, even if you are in total disagreement with what they are saying.

Acknowledge that you will naturally favor what is best for you and promise that you will try to overcome this bias. Ask your spouse if he or she might be willing to do the same.

Give your partner many opportunities to explain how they see things and never brush off anything they say. What they are trying to get across is important to them, so it is essential that you act as if it is also important to you.

It is particularly important that you do not appear to have generalized their position to be only what you expected it to be.

Try to avoid any discussion of fairness. What you think is "fair" is meaningless to the person you are trying to persuade.

One-on-one divorce settlement conversations with your spouse are doomed if either of you fails to demonstrate good listening skills.

You have the right to plead your case, but you do not have the right to make your partner listen.

Listening and hearing are not the same. Hearing without listening runs rampant in divorce and it causes wars.

Getting your partner to hear your side is not enough to influence their settlement wishes, you must make it appealing for them to listen to why you believe your position is righteous.

You do not do this by talking about yourself, or about what you want until you first ask to hear their viewpoint--and you listen to it fully and with compassion.

Since you cannot count on your partner to take the initiative, the job of being the first to do the serious listening is up to you. Only you can break the downward spiral of resistance, stubbornness, and obstinacy.

Careful listening shows your willingness to consider their point of view, and makes it easier for them to consider your point of view.

If you do not listen to their concerns first, they will never listen to yours, and you both lose.

You will never have any control over the fury and cost of your divorce if you cannot communicate properly with your spouse. Some suggestions for keeping your divorce cooperative are:

Try not to impose your values or biases on your spouse with emotion-laden statements such as, "A decent person wouldn't do what you did." Monitor your body language or facial expressions to avoid registering obvious disapproval of something your spouse says.

If you disagree strongly with your spouse's offer, do not put them down for suggesting it. Validate their suggestion as a possibility, politely explain why you disagree, and then ask for their help in coming up with "something we both might like."

If your spouse's answer is "no," keep in mind that a no is rarely final. Interpret their no as more of a starting point than as an ending point.

Always allow for a three-second delay before responding to something your partner says. This short delay indicates that you were listening to their words and that you took the time to let them sink in.

Be sure your spouse speaks more than you do. You can't negotiate with anyone until you know what they're thinking, and you can't know what they are thinking if they do not have ample opportunity to speak.

Divorce settlements fail when our biased view of things allows us to see only our own "truth." We focus so intently on the truth we are trying to explain, that we block ourselves from hearing what the other side has to say. Here's the real truth: We will persuade our spouse to be cooperative by listening to what they need to say, not by saying what we think needs to be said.

All too often there is a tendency to become hard of hearing during divorce settlement talks. We think we know what our spouse is going to say, we know it supports their view, not ours, and we know they are wrong. We do so much of our "listening" only to give us ammo for a "Yes, but..." response or to find something to attack. We don't give two hoots about what they think or why they think it and can't stand listening to a view contrary to our own.

Our soon-to-be-ex does not care about what we feel or think. They only care about what they feel and think. But we don't win arguments by talking, we do it by listening. No one ever changes their mind until they know they have been heard.

Effectively maintaining a line of communication during your divorce can be as simple as using the proper tone of voice. Concern and sincerity can be reflected through inflection and pitch--as can lack of concern and insincerity. Tone of voice can move you in the right direction or back you into a corner.

Tones of voice can be contagious. Adopt the same pace of speech that your spouse uses--not faster or slower, not louder or softer. Keep in mind that how you ask for something is often just as important as what you are asking for.

Even the least antagonistic remarks will hurt you if you use the wrong tone when stating them. Never sound like you are challenging or confronting your spouse.

Rather, speak in a tone of voice that demonstrates that you wish to know more about where your partner is coming from. Let your pitch and inflection demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in getting a clear understanding of their settlement position and of the thought that went into it.

Finally, keep your volume in check. A loud voice never convinces anyone of anything; it does just the opposite and virtually insures that your spouse will tune you out.

It is important for divorcing couples to be able to communicate with one another. However, this is often difficult to accomplish, considering the emotional turmoil of the dissolution process.

The best way to keep the lines of communication open is to ask questions in response to your spouse's oppositional statements, instead of differing with them. Pose questions that delve into the reasons behind your partner's thinking.

Here are some questions that can help you maintain a meaningful dialogue:

What is your number one concern?

Can you name one or two things that I can do to tempt you to say yes?

Asking questions helps to avoid negativity and softens opposition. Questions suggest that you are open to considering more than just your own wishes, and this is significant because the best way to persuade is to show that you can be persuaded.

The pain that divorcing spouses experience is impossible to suppress for very long. We wear it on our sleeves and express it through our language. It hinders our ability to think and interact constructively. How we communicate with our spouse has a direct effect on the outcome of our divorce. The language we use--wording, tone of voice and body language--is extremely important.

One of the worst offenders in the lexicon of divorcing couples is "you're." This nasty contraction too often shows up in such sentences as:

"You're being stubborn."
"You're impossible to talk to"
"You're always belittling me."
"You're a neat freak."

A less antagonistic way to express your disapproval is by using I statements, e.g., "When I hear you say things like this, I feel as though you have already made up your mind," or, "I really feel hurt when you talk about my not being as neat as you."

I statements allow you to get your point across safely because you are merely reporting how you feel about something you don't like. You statements simply criticize your spouse and serve no useful purpose whatsoever.

Sometimes it only takes a few well-chosen words to change the tone and direction of your spousal divorce settlement conversations.

No one ever told us how important it is to do what we can to reduce our soon-to-be ex spouse's anxiety during the divorce. It gives us our best chance of getting our point across when we are discussing settlement terms with them.

In Part I of this post, we touched upon the importance of communicating without arguing and showing our partner that we do not dismiss their feelings and concerns. I cannot imagine how many of us have unwittingly derailed our own divorce settlement negotiations by not showing respect for our partner's position.

Instead, we did what society programmed us to do. We told them that their viewpoint was wrong and we tried to convince them that ours was righteous and just.This approach does not make many friends and it does not keep divorces out of court. It represents exactly what not to do because it is confrontational and it breeds anxiety.

Anxiety prevents our spouse from understanding what they need to understand if we hope to get them to understand where we are coming from. Reduce their anxiety and reduce the frustration and cost of your divorce.

Reduce Your Spouse's Anxiety and Reduce the Pain and Cost of Your Divorce.

Divorce is about loss. It threatens our family, our cash flow, our standard of living, our future, our stability, and how we feel about ourselves. This major crossroad in our lives inevitably causes anxiety, the painful uneasiness and apprehension about future uncertainties.

Anxiety in divorce is natural and it prevents us from communicating effectively. It can freeze our mind in a closed position and make it hard for us to get our point across. What can we do to mitigate our anxieties?

The best way is to avoid arguing with our spouse. Non-confrontational communication can ease our spouse's anxiety before it can gain momentum. If we reduce theirs, we reduce ours. If we refuse to respond to their arguing with more arguing, it may inspire them to follow suit. Arguing is always futile; it just makes the other side dig in deeper.

A good way to avoid arguing is to be as understanding as you can when addressing your partner's worries and concerns. It is also wise not to defend the past by offering excuses or by proclaiming your innocence. In your spouse's eyes, this is the same as arguing. If your spouse is hurting, the pain won't go away just because you didn't intend to cause it or because the precipitating incident was not your fault.

The key to using the friendly approach in divorce is to make your partner feel valued. If you do not attempt to do this, your problem will only worsen.

People find it difficult to quarrel with those that acknowledge their pain or concerns. Listen to your partner and try to show some degree of sympathy, empathy, or compassion for what they are feeling. Sympathy signifies a general kinship with another's feelings. Empathy is the ability to imagine oneself in another's shoes. Compassion implies a deep concern for another person's troubles.

All three show respect for your spouse's position, without invalidating your own and without actually validating theirs. If fact, you do not have to actually feel sympathy, empathy, or compassion. You merely have to sound like you do. This costs you nothing and could pay a huge dividend.

Displaying these feelings cannot always make things better, but a failure to do so will always make things worse. If nothing else, it is good business to make a sincere effort to sympathize (or at least feign sympathy) with your spouse's plight.

If you treat your spouse with dignity, they may return the favor. Show your willingness to compromise, and they may reciprocate. Someone has to be nice first or you are both heading for trouble.

When your spouse explodes, patiently wait for them to stop, and then acknowledge their reaction. By simply saying, "I can hear that you are upset," you are establishing that you are listening and that you recognize your spouse's right to such a reaction. Don't say their opinion is wrong.

When our spouse angrily lists our injustices toward them, we may feel the need to set the record straight and defend ourselves. But we cannot change their mind by disagreeing with them. Challenging their accusations cannot help us; it will only add to the fire of our spouse's emotions.

When they explode and let anger get the best of them, let it go. Expect your spouse to lose it at least twice during the divorce process. Don't question their right to be angry and don't take it personally.

When they explode, stay cool for as long as possible. Creating a three-second lag time before responding may seem difficult, but it is the best thing you can do to disconnect from your own anger. Never allow yourself to respond by saying such things as, "Don't you dare talk to me in that tone."

Remember: Your own anger is your spouse's best weapon.