Chicago Divorce Attorney Blog

One-on-one divorce settlement conversations with your spouse are doomed if either of you fails to demonstrate good listening skills.

You have the right to plead your case, but you do not have the right to make your partner listen.

Listening and hearing are not the same. Hearing without listening runs rampant in divorce and it causes wars.

Getting your partner to hear your side is not enough to influence their settlement wishes, you must make it appealing for them to listen to why you believe your position is righteous.

You do not do this by talking about yourself, or about what you want until you first ask to hear their viewpoint--and you listen to it fully and with compassion.

Since you cannot count on your partner to take the initiative, the job of being the first to do the serious listening is up to you. Only you can break the downward spiral of resistance, stubbornness, and obstinacy.

Careful listening shows your willingness to consider their point of view, and makes it easier for them to consider your point of view.

If you do not listen to their concerns first, they will never listen to yours, and you both lose.

Effectively maintaining a line of communication during your divorce can be as simple as using the proper tone of voice. Concern and sincerity can be reflected through inflection and pitch--as can lack of concern and insincerity. Tone of voice can move you in the right direction or back you into a corner.

Tones of voice can be contagious. Adopt the same pace of speech that your spouse uses--not faster or slower, not louder or softer. Keep in mind that how you ask for something is often just as important as what you are asking for.

Even the least antagonistic remarks will hurt you if you use the wrong tone when stating them. Never sound like you are challenging or confronting your spouse.

Rather, speak in a tone of voice that demonstrates that you wish to know more about where your partner is coming from. Let your pitch and inflection demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in getting a clear understanding of their settlement position and of the thought that went into it.

Finally, keep your volume in check. A loud voice never convinces anyone of anything; it does just the opposite and virtually insures that your spouse will tune you out.

It is important for divorcing couples to be able to communicate with one another. However, this is often difficult to accomplish, considering the emotional turmoil of the dissolution process.

The best way to keep the lines of communication open is to ask questions in response to your spouse's oppositional statements, instead of differing with them. Pose questions that delve into the reasons behind your partner's thinking.

Here are some questions that can help you maintain a meaningful dialogue:

What is your number one concern?

Can you name one or two things that I can do to tempt you to say yes?

Asking questions helps to avoid negativity and softens opposition. Questions suggest that you are open to considering more than just your own wishes, and this is significant because the best way to persuade is to show that you can be persuaded.

The pain that divorcing spouses experience is impossible to suppress for very long. We wear it on our sleeves and express it through our language. It hinders our ability to think and interact constructively. How we communicate with our spouse has a direct effect on the outcome of our divorce. The language we use--wording, tone of voice and body language--is extremely important.

One of the worst offenders in the lexicon of divorcing couples is "you're." This nasty contraction too often shows up in such sentences as:

"You're being stubborn."
"You're impossible to talk to"
"You're always belittling me."
"You're a neat freak."

A less antagonistic way to express your disapproval is by using I statements, e.g., "When I hear you say things like this, I feel as though you have already made up your mind," or, "I really feel hurt when you talk about my not being as neat as you."

I statements allow you to get your point across safely because you are merely reporting how you feel about something you don't like. You statements simply criticize your spouse and serve no useful purpose whatsoever.

Sometimes it only takes a few well-chosen words to change the tone and direction of your spousal divorce settlement conversations.

When your spouse explodes, patiently wait for them to stop, and then acknowledge their reaction. By simply saying, "I can hear that you are upset," you are establishing that you are listening and that you recognize your spouse's right to such a reaction. Don't say their opinion is wrong.

When our spouse angrily lists our injustices toward them, we may feel the need to set the record straight and defend ourselves. But we cannot change their mind by disagreeing with them. Challenging their accusations cannot help us; it will only add to the fire of our spouse's emotions.

When they explode and let anger get the best of them, let it go. Expect your spouse to lose it at least twice during the divorce process. Don't question their right to be angry and don't take it personally.

When they explode, stay cool for as long as possible. Creating a three-second lag time before responding may seem difficult, but it is the best thing you can do to disconnect from your own anger. Never allow yourself to respond by saying such things as, "Don't you dare talk to me in that tone."

Remember: Your own anger is your spouse's best weapon.

By definition, perspective is how we see or understand something. It is what gives us our point of view.

Perspectives are the result of our life experiences. They run deep within us and are extremely difficult, if not impossible, to change. They are also the biggest reason why we have divorce wars.

Our courtrooms are traditionally full of litigants that are unsuccessful in trying to change their spouse's perspective about who should get what in the divorce. This is why so many divorce wars are unnecessary.

The truth is you will never change your partner's perspective any more than they will ever be able to change yours. The key to non-court dispute resolution is to accept that you are dealing with a brick wall and then applying your creativity and energy toward finding a way around the wall.

If you fight the way your spouse sees things, you are asking for war. If you allow your spouse to see things as they do, you open the only window you need to entice them to meet you half way. Listening to each other's concerns and validating the other's right to have such concerns is your best bet for getting around the wall of resistance.

In a successful divorce settlement, each partner will give up something they want in order to make the settlement attractive to the other side. To do this, it is critical that you:

Start the negotiations by trying to create a cooperative atmosphere and ask your spouse to join you in making early settlement a priority. Establish a mutual understanding that each of you will allow the other to fly off the handle two times without taking it personally or reacting in kind. Anticipating the occurrence of emotional outbursts lessens their destructive power.

Explore ways of finding common ground that both of you can agree upon. Write these points down on a piece of paper and keep them in front of you on the table for both of you to see.

Use tact and try to read your partner. Wait for them to show their softer side before bringing up delicate money issues or concerns. The last thing you want to do is try to make a point or ask for something if your spouse is in a particularly resistant state of mind.

If it appears that you and your soon-to-be ex are having difficulty reaching an agreement, ask yourself (and your spouse) how much it is worth not to have to argue about the same issue(s) a year from now.

Divorcing couples are more likely to reach a mutually amicable settlement if they agree in advance to set some "house rules" to govern their negotiation sessions. Here are some examples that can help:

Agree that no more than one person is allowed to get angry at any given time. If things get too heated, take a 20-minute break. Allow either party to call an instant time-out that must be honored no matter what, even in mid-sentence with no last words thrown in.

The party speaking has the floor, and no interruptions are allowed as long as that person is still speaking. If there is silence, then the other party may ask for permission to speak. No one should ever ask "Are you through?" or "Is it my turn?"

Neither party will judge the other's position as wrong but will keep the door open until both sides have had a chance to explain their positions. If either party commits an act that brings pain or hurt to the other, the hurt party will not place blame or automatically assume that the pain or hurt is intentional.

The parties agree in advance that, if either side walks out of a negotiation meeting, they will meet at the same time on the next day to resume their discussions. No matter how abruptly a session ends, the parties will not deem such an ending to be final; instead, they simply meet the next day and pick up where they left off.

You and your spouse have been discussing the terms of your divorce settlement. You have exchanged offers and counter-offers and cannot reach a mutually satisfactory agreement. You are close, but not close enough.

How do you entice your soon-to-be ex to close the deal?

If you are stuck, discuss the fact that you are stuck. Talk about the lack of progress without being judgmental or assessing blame. Keep your comments light and indicate your willingness to help solve the problem.

One-on-one divorce settlement conversations between spouses do not always have to be moving forwward. It is normal for them to stall from time to time. Discussing the stall in general, instead of focusing on the reasons for the stall, can be surprisingly productive.

Everyone has to bring home a prize to show to their side of the family or friends, or to their support group. Stay flexible and leave room for your spouse to get what they deem to be a prize. This is usually something that is less than what they want and is something more than you are willing to give up.

The language of negotiation is compromise. Compromise means making concessions, and making concessions settles divorce cases.

What should you do if your spouse is an overpowering negotiator?

Many people are naturally overpowering when it comes to discussing who should get what in the divorce. Some of them qualify as "negotiation bullies."

A "reasonable spouse" can at least begin to understand the other side's settlement position, but negotiation bullies are totally unable to comprehend that there may be another way of seeing things.

They are too self-centered and "superior" to perceive an opposing settlement position as being anything but preposterous. And this is not an act - they actually believe it.

If your spouse is being a bully, save your breath, and hire a good lawyer to do the talking for you.

Never haggle with a bully, because they will beat you every time. If you dislike conflict and become tempted give in, leave the room. A bully knows his or her prey and knows more about your "weakness" than you do. They bank on it.

If you are about to say yes to a bully (and many of us do), be tough about one thing. Don't say yes on the spot and Insist on getting a day or so to think it over.

If your spouse is not a bully but is just extremely competitive, resist trying to challenge them directly, and be diplomatic. If you stir up a competitor, you will have a semi-bully on your hands.

Should you negotiate with your spouse by telephone or e-mail?

Face-to-face conversations provide your best opportunity to get your spouse to hear your side. Telephones and e-mail may be more convenient than a visit to an attorney's office, but the other side can better understand us if they see our body language, eyes, facial expressions and voice inflections. These are our best persuasive tools, and it is foolish for us not to use them whenever possible.

People tend to be braver and meaner over the phone and in e-mail. Even if our telephone conversation or e-mail note started civilly, we could get fired up pleading our case and just get angrier and meaner with each word. Using the convenience of e-mail or the telephone usually isn't worth the trouble that could result.

If you must negotiate in this way, try to be as upbeat as possible. Schedule the phone calls for when both of you are usually less harried, more rested, and likely to be in a good mood.

What to do when your spouse pushes for a ball-park number:

When couples are in divorce negotiations, there is a tendency for everyone to want to know everything right away. At the same time we are reluctant to reveal our real thoughts because we don't want to be held to a position until we have had time to think it through. If the other side pushes for a ball-park figure, don't give them one.

Instead, tell them you need more time to think about it. Dodging the question may make you feel uncomfortable, but mentioning a ball-park figure locks yourself in and gives your spouse an opportunity to whittle you down right on the spot.

Leave haggling to the hagglers:

Making a first offer too soon or being forced into stating a ball-park figure can lead to haggling, the kind of bargaining common in Third World street markets. Haggling in a divorce is not the way to avoid divorce court.

Some degree of satisfaction is essential for both sides in divorce negotiations, and this can only happen if both partners vent freely before tackling the larger issues and feel their views were heard and validated. Haggling won't accomplish this and will leave one or both sides dissatisfied and, possibly, bitter.

How do you respond to an ultimatum?

Your spouse says, "Take it or leave it. This is my final offer." How should you respond?
It may be hard, but just ignore it. Just go on as if it was never said. Keep talking and allow it to fade into oblivion. Ignoring the ultimatum gives your partner the opportunity to continue negotiations without losing face.

If, however, your spouse continues to press for an instant decision, then ask for a little time to give it some thought and come up with a reasonable counterproposal. Try to calm the situation by asking questions in order to neutralize the threat and give them a chance to get off the hook for making the threat.

Does the first one to speak always lose?

Car sales people use silence after an initial offer in an attempt to stake out their position. They believe that if the customer speaks first, then it is a sign of surrender and the salesperson can hang tough on the last price mentioned. If your spouse tries this with you, then break the silence by saying, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

The spell of silence is usually broken if the first one to speak after the latest offer asks a question.

How do you respond to belligerent questions?

What should happen if your spouse asks a series of intentionally intimidating questions that end with such demands as "Just answer yes or no" or "Did you or didn't you?" or the emotion laden, but pointless "Is that a threat?"

If you hear such things in your divorce negotiations, try to overcome the temptation to snap back. Instead, try to ignore it by switching the conversation to something else.

But if you are not comfortable doing this, then fire back with your own pointed question. Say "Is that a threat?" right back at them. "Okay, you win; we're even! I threatened, you threatened, and now we're back to where we started. I was hoping we could make some decent progress today. I'm willing to try and I hope you are too. I say, let's get back to figuring out something that works for both of us."

How do you respond to an ultimatum?

Your spouse says, "Take it or leave it. This is my final offer." How should you respond?
It may be hard, but just ignore it. Just go on as if it was never said. Keep talking and allow it to fade into oblivion. Ignoring the ultimatum gives your partner the opportunity to continue negotiations without losing face.

If, however, your spouse continues to press for an instant decision, then ask for a little time to give it some thought and come up with a reasonable counterproposal. Try to calm the situation by asking questions in order to neutralize the threat and give them a chance to get off the hook for making the threat.

Does the first one to speak always lose?

Car sales people use silence after an initial offer in an attempt to stake out their position. They believe that if the customer speaks first, then it is a sign of surrender and the salesperson can hang tough on the last price mentioned. If your spouse tries this with you, then break the silence by saying, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?"

The spell of silence is usually broken if the first one to speak after the latest offer asks a question.